someone threw a dead crab at me
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
