There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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