it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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