Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
