Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
