eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize