Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
