Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
