our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
