She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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