I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
how does that bad decision feel?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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