My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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