just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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