I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
