Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
