Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
