just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
