I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
