Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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