You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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