True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
