Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
