Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
