i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
