I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
