It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
