I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Panties = found
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
