You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
