I think my fart just growled at me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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