shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
