He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
