I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
