Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
