I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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