are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
