she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
