I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
