From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
