In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize