I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
