The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize