I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
