Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize