onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
