I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
