I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
