I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
