haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
