I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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