Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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