Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
