The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
