It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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