wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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