On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
