I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
