I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
