I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
