im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
