Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
