my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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