i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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