Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
