i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
