My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
