a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
