You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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